10 rules to date my daughter

10 rules for dating my daughter.
Rule 1.
If you drive to my house and sound your horn you had better be delivering pizza or something, because you are not picking anything up.

Rule 2.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter, I will remove them painfully

Rule3.
I know that nowadays, boys your age think it is fashionable to wear your trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are morons, still I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers 10 times too big for you, however, I will take a hammer and some 6 inch nails and fasten them to your waist.

Rule 4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you

Rule 5
In order for us to get to know each other some people believe we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter back safely in my house, and the only word that I need from you upon this subject is "early"

Rule 6
I have no doubt you are popular with girls. This is fine by me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to do so until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry

Rule 7
If you want to make it on time to see the film, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Sistine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8
The following places are NOT appropriate places for a date with my daughter:-
1. Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool.
2. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight
3. Places where there is darkness
4. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
5. Cinemas showing films with a strong romantic or sexual theme. (Films which feature chainsaws are ok).

Rule 9
Do not lie to me! On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I have a jungle knife, a shovel, and I won an award for trench digging when I was in the Army

Rule 10
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for something like, say, the sound of your car stopping, to make me have a flashback to my Special Forces days. When this happens, the voices in my head usually tell me to sharpen my fighting knife as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull up to the house, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and drive off. The camouflaged face behind the window is mine 

101 ways to annoy people

101 Ways To Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

"Leap Year" Film Review

Amy Adams and Mathew Goode star in this pleasant romantic comedy.  Amy Adams is Anna Brady a successful "stager" who makes apartments look great to be sold.  She is dating Jeremy Sloane (Adam Scott) and she believes that its possible that Jeremy is gonna propose to her much to her dads delight Jack Brady(very brief cameo by the great John Lithgow) who says if he don't her only chance maybe to follow a great Irish tradition where its OK for the woman to propose to a man as long as its on leap day (February 29).  Que the obvious where he doesn't propose but just gives a pair of earrings.  And of course Jeremy just so happens to be going to Ireland for business in the same week of the leap day.  Que where the movie starts its humour with Anna trying to get to Dublin to take action on the leap year ruling only to have plane problems which makes her land in wales then boat problems which means she docks at Dingle Peninsula.  This is where she meets Declan O'Callaghan (Goode) a bar owner who gives Anna a hard time saying Dublin is full of horrible people.  How he winds Anna up is really a joy to watch and all he can do is mock the whole idea of the proposal but offers to take Anna and Lewie (her briefcase lol) to Dublin for money.  Cue catastrophe after catastrophe which shows the pair in a strange way getting closer together and finding out little things about each other.  Declan seems to know his priorities and that's what Anna is surprised at and at same time admires.  You really seem to root for the couple as they get to Dublin but Anna gets taken in by the reunion with Jeremy that Declan sees all is lost and leaves (without wanting a penny).  Que both going on with their lives til Anna reallies Jeremy's priorities are all materialistic things which Anna don't need.  All she needs is Declan who she flies out to try get that chance and succeeds.  Leap Year is an enjoyable romantic comedy and the chemistry between Amy Adams and Mathew Goode is comfortable and warming to watch.  May not be laugh out loud stuff but is a nice easy to watch movie.  Being of Irish decent i enjoy the music and the countryside of Ireland.  Give it a watch and let me know if you disagree with me. 

"Knight and Day" review

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz star in this action comedy.  Tom Cruise stars as on the run spy Roy Miller and Diaz plays June Havens.  the helpless woman who gets caught in the action.  You really need to see this film as it is and not take the story line too serious as you sometimes forget your watching a comedy.  Basically if mission impossible was a comedy it would sort of be like this.  Seeing bullets flying everywhere and hardly getting a scratch on each other just keep remembering people its a comedy.  Diaz and Cruise have a nice chemistry on set and is let down with the supporting cast really.  But any film with Diaz in a bikini in it gets a thumb up from us.  Just hope the DVD has bonus features on how Roy gets June into it.

New Farrelly film - Hall Pass Trailer 2011

Coming 2011!!!! New Farrelly brothers film Hall Pass. Looks HUGE

Due Date - Official Trailer [HD]

Dont know about you but i cant wait to see this film. Hopefully at the weekend i will find time to catch it. Looks great. Hopefully the best bits aren't in the trailer.

Independant short film "No Support" review

A depressed man is on the brink of suicide until two posters come and reconfine.  But all is not quitte how it seems. This short animated film takes a big half of the 4 minutes to get going and has a nice twist at the end.  Made by Rene Castillo and Antonio Urrutia.  

Adventureland Official Trailer

"Adventureland" review

While the social network is on the big screen at the moment thought i would review the growing popular Jesse Eisenborg's previous film Adventureland.  Based in 1987 James Brennan (Jesse Eisenborg)  is left at home while his friends tour Europe due to his parents having money trouble.  Not being able to fund his holiday or his place in Columbia University he decides to get a summer job.  He finally finds a job at Adventurelad.  What seems to be a non exciting amusement park. Things goes bad to worst when hes put on "games."  A collection of rigged games where you will be fired if you give away the top prize.  Amusement owners Bobby (Bill Hader) and Paulette (Kristen  Wiig) are adamant the James stays on games however much he wants to be on "rides."  James befriends geek Joel and after saving him from being stabbed Emily (Kristen Stewart).  Ryan Reynolds plays handyman Mike Connell, who claims to have jammed once with Lou Reed.  James tries to grow closer to Emily unapparent she is seeing on and off Mike.  Not quite sure whats going wrong James accepts a date with Lisa P (Margarita Levieva).  Days later Emily's car is seen outside Mikes nans.  Things come to a head and James can finally see the bigger picture.  He spills all to Lisa P and asks for the information to go no further only for obviously the opposite to happen.  Adventureland is a comedy drama rather than an all out comedy.  Bill Hader is great as park manager and brings some laughs to the film.  Apart from that its an easy watch and a good story.  Probably not for you if you want an all out comedy but if you want to see an easy to watch film with a bit of humour then Adventureland is worth a watch.

"Classics" section honours "Dumb and Dumber"

Huge day as another regular is created.  The Classics section to what we at Jaydid Humour deam is the reason why we love comedies and love everything that makes us laugh.  Dumb and Dumber is definitely one of those films.  Never a scene passes without a laugh Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are true comedy gods in this classic movie.  A great soundtrack to match this film really did rocket Jim Carrey to not be just a two hit wonder after Ace Ventura and The Mask.  A story about Harry and Lloyd, 2 friends who have never had a break or a brain cell between them, as they chase Harry's dream of giving Mary's briefcase back that she left at the airport.  Every scene has it moments but its the scene with "murderous" Joe "Mental" Mentalino (Mike Starr) is classic.  Showing how annoying people can be Jim and Jeff really do bounce off each other.  Shame they got two idiots to do the prequel.  Even the ending is remember able.  If you have never seen Dumb and Dumber please buy it now.It really is a good feel hilarious ride start to finish.

Lost Wife joke video by Jaydid Humour

This was filmed by us earlier this year. Inspired by a joke read we filmed it at different angles to get the suspense. Check out our channel on YouTube if you like what you see.

Jaydid Humour Comedy Heroes #1 Danny McBride

Will often be mentioning our Comedy Heroes here on Jaydidhumour.blogspot.com and I'm proud to announce our very first Hero being Danny Mcbride.  Earning His place for his role as Kenny Powers in Eastbound and Down Danny McBride seems to be very underrated and hasn't had many "the main star of the film" films.  His main break was from self written film The Foot Fist Way where he plays Fred Simons a Taekwondo teacher. A film which thought would lead him to play more "the main star of the film" films.  But main side parts in comedy's Hot Rod (VERY WORTH WATCHING),Pineapple Express and Land of the Lost seem to be the most his got from Cinematic Films.  He has rather small parts but still steals every scene he is in in films Drillbit Taylor, Tropic Thunder, Fanboys and Observe and Report.  But as Kenny Powers a wasted ex baseball player who struggles to deal with his home town and everyone just not being star strucked by his presence he really does come into his own.  As the thought of season 2 nearly coming to an end I'm just glad a season 3 has been commissioned.  Just wish could be a 22 episode season but hey ho.  So Danny McBride Jaydid Humour salutes you.  "I'm Fucking Kenny Powers."

"The Other Guys" Review

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg star in this cop comedy.  But as the movie starts its The Rock and Samuel L Jackson who start this film with a bang with a "Hollywood" over the top police chase.  The opening sequence is so enjoyable to watch and you almost seem to think why do we need Ferrell and Wahlberg.  Then all becomes clear why pencil pushers Detective Allen Gamble(Ferrell) and Detective Terry Hoitz(Wahlberg) get some time on the streets.  Its quickly apparent how opposite Allen and Terry are and Allens quiet comebacks to Terry are quite enjoyable to watch at first.  They are trying to get something on Sir David Ershon(Steve Coogan) but is really quite confusing why and what really.  The scenes with Dr. Sheila Ramos Gamble(Eva Mendes) and the main two are a joy as Allen doesn't see his wife being attractive where as Terry is infatuated and confused as to just how Allen has this woman in his life.  Michael Keaton(Captain Gene Mauch) gets a nice return to form in this film.  Mixing jobs as a baby birth tub boss and captain of the cops.  The Other Guys is worth a watch but is no where near Ferrell best.  I personally would have enjoyed seeing the Rock and Samuael class it up through the film as repeating my self the opening credits are just class.