10 rules to date my daughter

10 rules for dating my daughter.
Rule 1.
If you drive to my house and sound your horn you had better be delivering pizza or something, because you are not picking anything up.

Rule 2.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter, I will remove them painfully

Rule3.
I know that nowadays, boys your age think it is fashionable to wear your trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are morons, still I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers 10 times too big for you, however, I will take a hammer and some 6 inch nails and fasten them to your waist.

Rule 4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you

Rule 5
In order for us to get to know each other some people believe we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter back safely in my house, and the only word that I need from you upon this subject is "early"

Rule 6
I have no doubt you are popular with girls. This is fine by me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to do so until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry

Rule 7
If you want to make it on time to see the film, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Sistine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8
The following places are NOT appropriate places for a date with my daughter:-
1. Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool.
2. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight
3. Places where there is darkness
4. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
5. Cinemas showing films with a strong romantic or sexual theme. (Films which feature chainsaws are ok).

Rule 9
Do not lie to me! On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I have a jungle knife, a shovel, and I won an award for trench digging when I was in the Army

Rule 10
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for something like, say, the sound of your car stopping, to make me have a flashback to my Special Forces days. When this happens, the voices in my head usually tell me to sharpen my fighting knife as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull up to the house, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and drive off. The camouflaged face behind the window is mine